Fentanyl: “Don’t Even Think” Says Deputy

Rocheville, MO — November 10 — In the wake of recent reports of accidental fentanyl poisoning by a Leachville, Missouri law enforcement office, neighboring Rocheville police have issued their own notice to area residents.

The crisis began when an out-of-state officer had to be treated for accidental fentanyl overdose; Leachville responded with a warning that shoppers could be poisoned by invisible residue left on the handles of shopping carts from drug users who might unknowingly have excess powder on their hands. After Leachville’s  warnings came out, Rocheville decided that stronger action was needed.

“It’s a mystery why these criminals weren’t already dead if the stuff was on their own hands when they went shopping. But there you are,” said Rocheville Sheriff Chuck Fuller.

The danger doesn’t stop at shopping cart handles. According to Rocheville police records, one resident overdosed on fentanyl without touching a shopping cart, possibly from contact with a contaminated toilet seat. A search of Irma Wilmer’s home turned up an illegal still and traces of four kilos of methamphetamine, but no evidence of opiates. She was charged with disorderly conduct and released from the Emergency Room after observation.

Rocheville authorities have taken the precaution of distributing a brochure which explains that the drug is two hundred million times as strong as heroin mixed with radium. The brochure further warns that simply breathing air from nearby Leachville could cause an overdose.  “In fact,” adds Deputy Sheriff Roy Fenwick, “If you even think about fentanyl, you could be at risk. And whatever you do, don’t say the word ‘fentanyl’ three times.”

My idea for the “story” above originated with this actual news story:
“The Leachville Police Department in Arkansas said customers should always wipe their shopping cart handles before using them, because deadly drugs like fentanyl could be left behind and enter your body through contact with your skin.”  Overblown stories like these are no better than conspiracy rumors, and deserve criticism, as they can hold back effective approaches to dealing with the nation’s opioid problem.



New Song Parody

“Scaramucci” is too obvious a target for parody, and I felt compelled yesterday to add my entry to what is sure to be a growing list.  It’s up here, at:


This “president” just is a treasure trove of “bing-bang-bong” nutso quotes and rants. He is a veritable smorgasbord of conspiracy theories — a salad of ethnic hate garnished with a sprinkling of wild accusations. And the horror never ends.

The Romans had their “Little Boots”; we have our “Tiny Hands.”

In other news:

The Boy Scouts of America should have spoken out more forcefully after the insane remarks from our “president” at the Jamboree this week.  If they had done so, that buffoon would surely have responded by trashing the Boy Scouts — a response that would be obviously over the top even among the most conservative voters and would help expose him as the crude boor that he is.  Instead, the BSA issued a neutral non-condemnation that only encourages more bad behavior from this clown.

I’d have been happier if only the BSA had issued something like this:

“The BSA does not condone the content or tone of the President’s remarks, which we feel were highly inappropriate. The Jamboree is not a suitable venue for suggestive tales or political criticism; insulting a former President and encouraging Scouts to join in by booing — or indulging in otherwise disrespectful, rude behavior — is in direct opposition to the Scout Law and the Scout Oath.  Furthermore, disparaging America’s governing institutions, as the President did, should be unacceptable everywhere — especially so when addressing our nation’s youth, and even more so when addressing Scouts, who are taught to respect and revere our government.  The remarks made by this President at our Jamboree were disgraceful to the dignity of the office of the President. We sincerely apologize to the parents of all Scouts for this bad example, and we hope never to witness a similar exhibition of poor behavior.”


Orange Is The New Gray Suit?

Watched the last 30 minutes of Morning Joe today.  As they were reporting, the number of people at the ill-fated Don Junior meeting kept changing.  By the end of the show it was turning into a Monty Python sketch with John Cleese and Michael Palin.

Detective / Cleese
Now, how many people were at this meeting, sir?

Suspect / Palin
Just two. Me and Paul. And Jared.

Detective / Cleese 
(Writing it down) That’s … three.

Suspect / Palin
And that promoter who set it all up.

Detective / Cleese
You, Paul, Jared, and a promoter — that’s four, then.  (Changes his notes)

Suspect / Palin
Yeah, well, but you didn’t count the spy.

Detective / Cleese
(Looking up)  The spy, sir?  Did you say “spy”?

Suspect / Palin
Lovely Russian lady — can’t forget her!  She was there to talk about adopting babies.  Adorable little Russian babies!

Detective / Cleese
(Puts down pad)  A spy met with you to talk about … babies?

Suspect / Palin
Yeah — adorable kids.  But she didn’t speak English.  Not a word.  Brought along a translator — he’s a spy, too.

Detective / Cleese
(Checking notes)  So there were … five?

Suspect / Palin
Yeah, five.  Wait — no, six.

Detective / Cleese
Six people?

Suspect / Palin
Maybe seven.

Detective / Cleese
(Irritated)  Look here, sir, how many people were in the room?

Suspect / Palin
I dunno.  I lost count.  Did I mention the babies?  Cute little buggers!


He’s Trying to Ruin the Future

In his first international tour, “President” trump managed to send European business deals off to China — and to encourage shutting down the growing, profitable “green manufacturing” industry in the US.

His ignorant NATO address (and a failure to support the all-for-one, one-for-all commitment crucial to the alliance) European firms went out to seek business deals with China.  As if to seal his reputation for boorishness, he closed by rudely shoving one European leader aside in order to make it to the front of the photo lineup.

He returned and announced withdrawal from a nonbinding climate agreement that took 10 years to create, and to which nearly every nation has agreed.  And he didn’t just withdraw; he heaped insults on the other signatories by claiming that they take advantage of the US.

Of course he couldn’t maintain a commitment to NATO or to the Paris Climate accord — he can’t even meet his personal commitments, between multiple affairs and a couple of divorces; and he never meets business commitments, preferring instead to make profits by simply not paying vendors (as anyone who has worked for him knows).

When not busy damaging the United States’ reputation with longstanding strategic allies, while he was out and about he also managed to alienate the Pope and showcase his willingness to tolerate the most intolerant regimes in the middle East — and to demonstrate an astonishing lack of geographic knowledge (he arrived in Israel after a trip to the middle East???).

Tiny hands doing the Devil’s work, I guess.


What Donald Trump Can Teach Us About Political Correctness

This is a masterfully written defense / explanation of what the meaning and value of “politically correct” communication.


I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve heard the phrase “political correctness” used approvingly and without irony. I’ve long since lost track of the number of times I’ve heard it used derisively. I regard it as one of the central ironies of modern politics that it hasn’t been politically correct to be politically correct since the notion first became a household term. This hasn’t stopped people from proudly proclaiming (often to great applause) the brave mantle of ‘Political Incorrectness’. Indeed, countless courageous souls have made sure we all know how little regard they have for political correctness. The near universal disregard for political correctness, as such doesn’t seem to faze its detractors. It pretty well goes without saying that if the subject is political correctness, the correct thing to say is that you’re against it. Do that, and you earn all kinds of points for being…

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il trumpo memoir dictation May 16

 … after speaking with Mr. Erdogan for a few minutes over dinner — and it was a great dinner, really, let me tell you, one of the best ever, the most perfect steak — after a while I realized what he was saying, and it was true, that all of the middle East — and the middle East includes Israel and what was once Palestine, did you know that? — all of it, every bit, used to be owned by Turkey.  So I told him, hey, when this deal is signed, we’re gonna get the Kurds out and we’re gonna make sure the rest of your land is returned to you, from Armenia down to Yemen, ’cause it’s really part of the Ottoman Empire — such a great name, Ottoman, it reminds me of the ottoman in my place in New York, a gold-covered ottoman, really spectacular … wait, someone’s at the door and I think …

An Excellent Summary

I really like this summary — it captures so much of what is wrong with the trump Presidency (and the risks of a Pence rise to power):

No, Sorry, It was not just a bad dream. Donald Trump really ~is~ the President…

A Simple Plan for Chaffetz

I got a great idea, a great idea. We need to leak this stuff out to the press, but I can’t be involved ’cause I’ve been complaining about leaks.  So I’ll get a coupla my boys to get you some documents, then you can tell the press it’s urgent that you report this new stuff directly to me.  That way, I can say I’m vindicated.  You’ll look like a hero.  We’ll claim a whistleblower gave you the information.  Whatever you do, don’t come to the White House to meet these guys, ok? — There are cameras here and you’d have to sign in. Otherwise, you end up the hero, I’m off the hook, and that guy Schiff will look foolish.  What could go wrong?

My Time Magazine Cover

Two weeks ago I came up with an idea I thought would make a great cover for Time magazine.  Unfortunately, I have no way to submit it and they don’t make submissions or inquiries easy.  So here it is anyway.  I liked it too much to let it go.


Vaudeville Shakespeare

The “Obama wiretapped me” fiasco continued last night with the Fox interview that Tucker Carlson held with trump.  It was a cartoonish example of an egotist who simply cannot back down even in the face of logic and facts, even in the presence of his supposed supporters.

What is especially strange about all of this is that trump had the means to de-fuse the situation the day after his original series of tweets.  All he had to do was issue a statement saying, in effect: “I miscommunicated in my messages, and would like to apologize if my statements were interpreted as an accusation of a literal, personally-directed surveillance of my own communications.  I did not mean to impugn President Obama and I still respect him greatly.”

That kind of admission would have calmed down just about everyone and elevated trump’s status from “idiot man-child in need of restraints” to “adolescent who is learning to grow up.”  No time-consuming, distracting Congressional investigations would have been necessary.  No need for public scrutiny of the ongoing intelligence agencies’ explorations of Russian connections and trump associates.  Instead, trump may now have opened a Pandora’s Box in which his cronies’ malfeasance (and possibly his own) could be exposed.

A closer-to-normal person might have taken the opportunity during the Carlson interview — even if he couldn’t bring himself to back down — to say “Do I wish I had said it differently?  Sure. Do I think there’s reason to suspect this?  Yes.  Do I have proof?  No.”  Sadly, even that level of failure to accept responsibility eludes this narcissist.

His lack of self-restraint continues to be his own undoing; it would be a Shakespearian tragedy if it weren’t such a vaudevillian parody.